stevenoogie's Journal

so here it is
I realize I have only one person in the universe to vent my fears, thoughts, and ideas to. After yesterdays three hour conversation I was purged of everything and she understood..Thanks J. Some people deserve to be put inside the trash compactor, and I had a list in mind.. People in the majority arent as good listeners, because they make it clear they'd rather do something else..or so and so entered the room and that the way it used to be is long gone..If you could make yourself invisible and walk in on me and my life you would realize how funloving and patient I am when I conduct things... except when it has to do with me trying to convince you to not repeat the same history I've been witnessing since the dawn of time.. To keep from crying I just yell at you mercilessly...and it never comes out articulate, ie "Listen asshole..." So don't try to make me believe that you've changed when you continue to bring everyone down around you...Don't expect me to drive your drunk ass home..It isn't at all what I want to say but whatever it is I'm sick to trying to say it.. so there.

Life is better when I'm standing still
Today I realized that what you say can affect the outcome of how eternal factors come into play..My favorite musician was performing in melbourne australia recently and the crowd kept on begging for him to play pumpkins music.."Can we just worry about today?" he responded..To no avail they kept on heckling him about it even throwing a pumpkin on stage..He said "fuck it" and walked off the stage in a fit of rage..For me I can completely understand, him being the melodramatic, powerfully talented, painfully artistic human being..Maybe I just live in the romanticized view of him when I was only a teenager and his music meant more to me than any other musician at the time..and I'm too nostalgic to let that god like image go.. The other thing was that the people latched on to what he said about him loving the pumpkins, and they just wanted to say that they loved him and the pumpkins yet he was angry when they weren't afraid to express that..I have days like that all the time..
Today I was a part of an elaborate "joke." People at work were keen on the continuation of last weeks poker night and I was the only one that was single and had a place large enough to accomodate people comfortably. When I tried to put the cabash on the whole thing, suddenly it mutate in to this to the point where everyone in the whole shop asked me when it was, the directions to my house etc..It went from a cozy six person get-together to a full blown block party complete with keggers, a house band, stripers, a pig roast, etc,, you name it it was there.. People offered to rent an outhouse in the back yard, bring in the card tables, strippers, kegs, barbecue grills, and it was getting ridiculous..The more I reacted the more people came up to me to exacerbate the wound..To me my peaceful getaway from work is my home.. To have it violated or turned impure in any way makes me insecure.. because the last thing I need is to have people talking about me at work regarding my home, how I acted, what was there..etc.. like it was some playground..Sure others were secretly mad at me for sounding mean and unhospitable, but you have to see where I'm coming from.. A few months ago I wasn't sure I even had a house to live in.. Sorry if that upsets you..Also my superintendent was in on this too.. so I'm rapidly moving up in the world and to make it even stanger, he dug in on me seconds before I walked out of the building.. Had I left two seconds before, this never would've seemed so eerie, but the timing was so perfect..The most important person got to dig in on me last.. Such an ego breaker and an ego builder all at the same time..MAybe it was the early morning meeting with the hat full of names and someone gets picked to have the whole shop gang up on him without him knowing why..

Current Mood: confused
Current Music: courageous-kill hannah

dropping in
Usually I have this really creative title to begin with and then my short term memory takes over..This is my valiant attempt to rekindle my love of blogging since I'm really sick of myspace right now because people don't talk to me because they know what I look like not that it really made a difference..This whole wannabe cool facade wasn't working..and everyone is just more "popular" and my invasion into that part of cyberspace just wasn't welcome.. So i just wanted to say hi to the people that make my heart beat because without you, I'm lifeless.. Jyn, myka, buff, thereisnospoon, morethanever, etc.. couldn't have survived this far without you..

Current Mood: blah

wondering
For those that are the least bit curious of my whereabouts, you can find me on myspace under my email addy stevenn9@juno.com so you can stalk me mercilessly inside my head. At this point I have begun yet another thing into the pit of negativity that I cannot dig myself out of.. enjoy..

When a girl laughs at my jokes I know I'm in trouble
watching: Colin Farrel on SNL being Bono( pure scary coincidence)
listening: Avril, live pumpkins covers, and babies crying.
wondering: why me

Yesterday I was at my friends house after I had to deal with her other crazy depressed friends at the Fridays down the road. It was interesting because I had just left work and I needed to be somewhere but everyone seemed to be too far on edge for me to want to deal with. To be gentleman-like I helped my friend who I haven't seen in five years carry her baby to the car and she took us back to another friends house. Then they played video games downstairs in her brother's room and left me with the baby that started crying for what seemed like an eternity.. I had to carry the kid back downstairs because I was getting a headache. Remind me not to befriend lonely single mothers. I feel like a meal ticket.. The situation was way too stressful, then I left to help my friends brother pick up some stuff.
Listening to girls talk about guys is really disturbing because they are just as bad as we are if not worse..
Frankly I'm not that wrapped up mentally about things and I try not to analyze every single damn thing that happens although I'd rather my friend not be involved with other guys because that makes me crazy even if I don't like her in that way.. Don't know why I just do..
Today feels like a tuesday because I worked the day before. Don't know if I'll make it to the end of this week. Also I have to cut off my massage sessions because I 'm getting too addicted.. Also I have to get my hair thinned because its growing and froing out..anyway, boring entry over..

The final resolve is less than pleasing, but..
Maybe it was for the best because I never intended on going all the way until I was already too close. The fact remains that we completely disagree on music and it was such a shame that it had to be me standing in line for an hour and a half only to walk away with nothing. I'd still be sleeping but I didn't think I wasted my morning this saturday. The aftermath involved my usual cup of coffee and instead of being pleased, this outcome was a bit mixed for me. Spilling coffee on my new coat hardly helped either. Watching hope slowly fade away was humbling, because I had made up my mind that being there was eighty percent of the battle not realizing that the other twenty determined my destiny. They are way too over-rated anyway.. I made some strange comparison about spending $165 to spending outrageous money on a show like the pumpkins last chicago concert. And the response I got was " this band is legendary, you can't compare u2 to the pumpkins." She missed my point and I wasn't about to let her get away with saying anything remotely related to how unimportant and negligable of a band the pumpkins are. That's just me being petty.. The only tix they had left were those behind the stage and in singles only. I opted to tell them to fuck off...
Four shows sold out.. Oh well.. No use competing with the other colin farrel lookalikes of the world.. my heart just isn't big enough.. And don't try to console me.. Forget I tried.. Also if you're such a fan, how come you had to ask me how much tix were?

Current Mood: indifferent
Current Music: keane

the calm before the storm
The only thing that made yesterday the most depressing day of the year was the sitting down and paying for bills, which isn't so different from any other month. So now I'm on a mission which has a life of its own now because it is no longer just mine, I just happen to be around to find out about the outcome. The only blurry line is whether we sit or stand for the concert and that means a difference of about a hundred dollars plus service fees. So maybe I should of taken the "whatever you want" and ran with it instead of "sorry to push the issue but it really matters to me what you prefer.. " Do I want to be in debt? haha the beauties of being a Leo.. This goes against all of my beliefs.. No one should sit for a concert and if you really want to be there you aren't using your seat anyway except to rest between opening acts..
Finally received my custom fuzz pedal from my friend who held on to it for eight months.. Now I'm off doing adjustments on his wah pedal..and he expects it in no more than two days... Another one on the way.. I'm a sick sick boy..

Current Music: Marianne-tori amos

" You girls don't put out nearly enough."
Sure. If I wait a while for real love I'll end up hating myself for letting all those great one night stands pass me by. I'm already on my way to being asexual as it is..not that there's anything wrong with that.. Perfectly normal , perfectly healthy... Talked to Brian over the weekend after the marvelous session of shoveling snow for the hundredth time. I was going to stop by to watch movies and hang out, but because of horrible weather it didn't seem like a good idea. Called some other friend of mine to find her going bridal dress shopping and she tried to make me seem crazy for being at a mall that was totally dead because of terrible driving conditions. I needed to be out okay? Brian really needs a website dedicated to his artistic endeavor, and for fear of having people steal his ideas, I wont mention what it is. He needs a title, not like the one I was going to give him that completely oozed of cheesiness, but it has to have that ring to it, like eclipses of a rockstar....or diva of comic book..... not to steal trademark names etc, but something that poetic and has flow. Something only girls can come up with because we guys are so unword friendly.
Well my father has not eased on his bashing of me and he picked up right where he left off even after his accident that required me telling him the rational way of thinking. Imagine that.. Not has anybody ever living on the face of this earth can vouch for the fact that sometimes, just sometimes, I may have the right answer to a particular problem. Anyway I had this brainstorm..I was wondering if my friend wanted to go see U2 in concert in may with me. We have no agreements on anything musical and I thought this would be an interesting way of figuring out where she stands in all of this.. In all actuality, I would never go to a U2 concert by myself because I'm not that big of a fan.. You all want to shoot me I know. After that lecture about my $3000 real estate tax, phone bill, mortgage, insurance on the car, gas, electric, water , garbage, etc.. I'm not sure I want to spend two hundred dollars on tickets for a band I don't really love, but the fact that I think so hard about this means something. The most I ever spent on a ticket was probably sixty something dollars to see Tori Amos or Lou Reed. And that was a time where Tori no longer did meet and greets and the only way I got her autograph was by passing it through the barrier and having all those nice ears with feet passing it back to me.. There was no face to face contact and if there ever was I wouldn't be able to stop to crying..
Had another massage which is my big addiction as of this month. My tipping pattern is really sporatic, I didn't feed the jar today because I still had to break my fifty, but she deserved it wholeheartedly. Not only did she turn my back to jelly, she worked on my arms also.. So much guilt. Gosh, must get away from all this good treatment.. I guess it has to do with the secret desire to be able to afford all those great things in life that few can enjoy. If that makes any sense..
On a boring note, still waiting for that website to open back up so I can order parts again for my pedal fetish. It's like gold to me, never enough. My friend mike wants me to look at his wah pedal, and he's going to finally return my custom distortion pedal that has become my pride and joy.
What's her face called me again and wants me to go out drinking with her. Not right now sweetheart.

Current Music: stumbleine-smashing pumpkins

New York in my future would be way cool
Today it is raining unusually hard for a January day, though not uncharacteristic of Chicago. My car stopped in the middle of the road five times on the way home because I was parked outside for eight hours. This never happens in the morning when my car is in the garage so I believe that moisture is the cause of all the unbearable honking from all the city people as I block traffic. Even then I'm not looking forward to buying a new car even if this one is an eyesore and a pain in the ass. I drove to the bank to deposit my money and withdraw some to pay for a new monitor for my computer. Low and behold I am next in line to be greeted by a wonderfully attractive bank teller. Heart melts. How come I never went to the bank before?
Life is getting better other than the fact that my father keeps reminding me that I'm approaching a certain age.. I said don't remind me! He wants me to get perfect attendance for this year so I can have lunch with my boss and retain some kind of prestige. Yeah right.. My parents have stared acting nice to me for some reason..I'm scared.. Almost too nice..
I didn't get a massage today but I'll live. Friday for sure. Also today I came home early and I decided to test my theory about my recent purchase.
I know you all arent ready for boring stories because you feel that I should pick up some other hobby like reading or something. Not too long ago I bought another electro harmonix deluxe electric mistress pedal and early on I decided that I would be more careful in dissecting this one because instead of desoldering every electrolytic capacitor and replacing it with a new one, I would systematically figure out what was bad before doing anything so I wouldn't mess the board up the way I loused up the first one. And after many little ideas like replacing the disintegrated resistor and replacing two bad caps, the sound was going through still uncolored. Before I went to bed I had a theory to test: one of the chips are bad. Sure enough I was right. Except I'm still not satisfied because the first pedal almost made me pull my hair out and it took me four months before I gave up and turned the pedal over to my gay friend and he told me the chip was put in backwards. So the second one was solved in less than two weeks and now I'm bored again. Maybe I should pick up a good book...

Current Mood: accomplished
Current Music: sounds of phase shifting, flanging, and leslie simulation

Tell me there is something to look foward to in this life
There doesn't seem to be a shortage of things for me to be pissed off about lately, who knows why. Suddenly there has been an influx of people in my neighborhood who get in the newspaper for dumb things like suing some big corporation, and staying at home at the ripe old age of twenty six while paying off their student loans and being proud of being there for another two years. Frankly that is something that makes me jealous to no end..I wish for one second that I could be surrounded by friends and family that make me feel like something for one moment, one iota of something I felt that I never had, and the nurturing and the support rather than being around feeling like some worthless rodent. I live alone in a house, with a lexus in the garage, playing music in my lovely kitchen, completely up to my eyes in debt, with no college edumacation, still don't get along with the folks, and what do I get?! Every Jane and Joe telling me how to live my life. Whatever.
On top of that horrible unspeakable terror that was my weekend, I am inconsolable. Just a bunch of superficial, backstabbing, asstards. I have no idea how I put up with it for as long as I did. What kind of balls did it take to endure that hell? Most of it sucked and the only redeeming quality occurred before the event even happened. Okay live and learn I tell myself.
Hopefully my doctors visits don't take another chunk out of my wallet. Really. I'm trying to stay above water this year. Can happiness be too far away?! With a jar of vicodin in the medicine cabinet, anything can be possible.

Current Mood: want to guess?
Current Music: Starfuckers.inc-NIN

What is that you're drinking? It looks like smurf puke!
I've come to the strange conclusion that me, people and alcohol don't mix too well. Being mild to moderately inebriated causes me to be too nice and way too sensitive to people's ideas, thoughts and opinions. Though it shouldn't be since I decided early on this was going to be my year and nobody was going to ruin it despite their ways of thinking about how important they are. Every one seemed cordial except for some people who I thought I knew which was ironic. That's okay because I keep my promises. The shame is how over time I've become more cynical in my way of thinking and less patient, but after some drinks I'm the other way around. The overall attitude should've been why should I buy you a drink because I forgot your name? Who are you to me? Rather than okay whatever you say. What am I trying to get across? I don't know I'm still hungover..
A few people were nice enough to wish me a good time through text messages, but to no avail.. Who knows how I got home and I vowed never to do that ever again.
You see I have no real friends..so I have to fend for me... If I didn't work that day in the morning, who know how much more furious I would be after I walked out of the establishment with that bill I generously tipped for.. Fuckin A. Maybe I should've stayed home and I'd be writing about something more happy like how I slept like a baby..

Current Mood: aggravated

Screw all you guys
New years eve is officially the most over-rated holiday of the year. Thanks for answering my phone calls you knuckleheads. Brian presented plan D to me but I wasn't in the mood to deal with the tension of having to bring something to the dinner table and having to deal with the drunken music nazi. Also it was his kid's birthday party so I didn't want to crash it just for the sake of being somewhere with people. Instead I opted to go see my friend Billy who I had seen last summer and open the new year with "stripped, raped, and strangled." Those that know me realize that listening to death metal is a real musical stretch for my ears because they don't bend that way usually.. except I haven't spoken to my parents that day or three days after that even when I hooked up their surround sound system so explain that one. Anyway I woke up with the best hangover cure known to man and I was ready to join him on his mission to pick up his kid from schaumburg and proceeded to try and cheer him up on the way home since he didn't wan to leave his friends house. Billy decided to take him to best buy and buy him a gameboy xp without tellinghim ahead of time fearing he would associate his meetings as a way of buying him new toys. Playing galaga on this thing was a real addiction although my eyes began to hurt as I realized how old I am when I used to play these games in the arcade and now its in the palm of my hand. His son is a really well behaved little boy.
This weekend I chose not to make plans with patrick after he finally decided to email me, which could backfire when I am actually free. Sucks how everything always happens at once when you already have other plans. Received another mistress in the mail on new years eve. One of my many things to look forward to other than wrting words on a piece of paper in short bursts of creativity. Don't tell me I'm writing poetry... Even after that horrible snow storm on wednesday I still made it to work and my appointment with the masseuse to pound me into a pulp. Afterward I visited the bookstore to look up something on etiquette and buy a resisitor. Two caps and one resistor later I'm only getting sound through but no colorization forom the pedal to my amplifier. In time my friend, In time. I really hate those people who speak so eloquently that it makes girls laugh... I can't do that crap...In time my friend, in time..

Current Mood: artistic
Current Music: ...."Come three two one and I'm having fun"

Officially the last
I made a conscious effort to avoid the folks as much as I can... instinctively for some odd reason. Maybe a few of you know why, after listening to conversations in the background. This morning I had my usual fix of getting that expensive back massage that I've become hopelessly addicted to. As I walked in I saw a familiar face behind the desk because those that know me realize that I never forget a face. "Hey," I said frantically waving. "Hi," followed by an excited reaction seeing me for the first time in years and being anxious to catch up on old times. Weird, funny cool, small world day. The true sentiment that things happen for a reason. For the last two days I've felt popular but what happens for new years or doesn't happen will clearly be my doing or undoing. Who knows, maybe things will boil to a fever pitch and i'll be too confused to figure where to go or what to do. Thanks for the acknowledgement.
My parents have been acting strangely probably because I haven't been home, continuing the long chain of unusal events concerning how I get along with them. I've given up quite frankly because I'm only worried about me, since I can get inside my head, not theirs. They have dropped about a thousand dollars on ionic breeze air purifiers and wanting me to clean out my closets on sunday and I don't want to. It scares me how the have become more paranoid as time passes by. I'm destined to be some senile old man who thinks the feds are spying on him from some hole in the ceiling. Let's make a deal. If you decide to change then I will otherwise you wont see anything from me. Not one iota. And they wonder where I get my mental illness. Uh hello? Until they act normal I'll have to retreat to my fortress of solitude, ie the computer room. I finally got my second mistress pedal in the mail to occupy my mind.
My friends always tell me how well I'm doing for myself and my parents bring me back down to earth.
anywho I wish you all a safe and happy new year.

Current Mood: apathetic

Thanks but I'm not as interesting as you think
The holidays were stressful before and after yet cathartic at the same time. Usually this time has kind of lost its meaning in some ways and I relied on my sister's homecoming heavily to relive old memories and feelings. After two big dinners with christmas eve turkey on the table, I found myself looking in the fridge many times over and over only to be disgusted at how overpacked it was. Turkey leftovers. Good but I was too stuffed to appreciate it. Why I kept on opening the fridge on a full stomach, I'll never know. On the eve of christmas eve, my sis and I walked around in the cold, higher classed outdoor mall near our house to just be out, see the people wandering about, and to take in the air before having something to eat over some beer at Champp's. I finished my chicken fingers and she barely touched her thai food not even wanting to have them pack it up for her. Our discussion mainly consisted of my terrible wardrobe, the reason why I'm not a hit with the girls, and how there's no reason why I can't play at the metro in my lifetime. Perplexed I sat there wondering how someone who hasn't been around for two years suddenly wants to move back just to be another person to criticize how I've lived my life. I love you and all but you left hairballs all over my bathroom, littered your luggage all over my guestroom and I swear you've never done dishes in your life. Dude.. Thanks for the jacket because it was generous of you and I appreciate that you want me to be semi decent without wearing the same old adidas jacket since high school that can't possibly keep me warm because I only wear that and a tshirt underneath. Keep in mind that I live in Chicago. My orange black hat seems to enjoy the coat as well. What a relief to have nine days off with pay during christmastime to sleep late, and even if I wanted to accomplish something, didn't have to. I wished I could've spent some time looking for the picture CDs I went out of my way to buy so I could send pictures to my friends from high school. Funny how my brain seems to function better when I'm at work with no time to do things.. Maybe that's why I think of things when I'm on the stationary bike. If I stand still these brilliant ideas never arrive. One minute I was so happy it was saturday, the next it was already thurday and I was getting worried that my vacation would soon be over. How time flies when you're having fun.
New years eve is another story. I have one of two choices: wait for patty to call me so we can hang out for the first time in forever and mingle with cool nice looking people or I could go to another friends house but I can't partay too hard because I wont have a place to crash. Chances are patty wont call me and I'll be stuck with nothing but a bottle of champagne all to myself and emergency plan number three, whatever that is at the last minute..
Well I finally had my long awaited pounding to a pulp..which was my back massage after being adjusted by a chiropractor. It felt good for the moment but I'll be sore tomorrow. Had a cool conversation with the masseuse about guessing ages, our nationalities, the difference between men and women in the way we think, what we do for a living and how long it took, our holidays etc. You know, usual boring banter..
Next year I should go digital.. Also still waiting for my package in the mail.

Current Mood: relaxed
Current Music: butterflies and hurricanes-muse

Let it end
Who knows where I'll end up on new years eve. Right now it doesn't matter. If you are my friend, you might have to coerce me. 2004 has been nothing but a myth destroyer, not that I thought these unfortunate situations would never happen. It's like hoping that I would never go to a funeral.. You know that it's an impossibility, the only question is when. I'm a different person simple as that, like me or not.. I've always had this love of music that sounds good to my ears and going to places that calm me down despite their fast pace. After the tragedy of having a great musician gunned down and the string of sexual assaults in my favorite part of town, namely three in five days, now I'm even more disenchanted. On top of that I have this growing concern for my sister who plans to move there in the future. Kind of reminds me of the part in the blues brothers when he brings his brother to the appartment above the "l" tracks and lies about his address saying it was 1060 West Addison which is the address for wrigley field. haha.
So it's approaching the witching hour and Patty hasn't called me because his apartment flooded again. I swear to God, just As I am about to go to his place, his apartment floods.. I could've said I'll be at your place next year on April 18th, at eight o'clock and somehow nothing will happen until I get there or threaten to be there. I heard about the pumpkins having technical difficaulties, but this is beyond cursed.. Oh yeah if I get accused of having a house that is not girl friendly one more time I'll scream..

Current Mood: aggravated
Current Music: myspace took a dump

Too bad I can't fake this anymore
First off, my vacation has felt nonproductive, boring, and lonely. Of course when I'm at work I feel differently as I come up with ideas on how I would spend my imaginary vacations deep in reverie, how ironic. Today I really wanted to feel the need to get myself in that mood by going to the outdoor mall and be among people feverishly trying to buy things for their loved ones. And I can say that I felt just as disillusioned as when I drove my car into the parking lot in the first place. How sad. I can remember at about this time last year I tried desperately to bring back the feeling I once felt by buying my parents gifts not expecting anything. I bought my father a 5.0 canon camera and my mother a movado watch. I was never happier in all my life but on christmas day they told me to return their gifts and I haven't been the same since. I didn't want to put up the tree this year and I whipped through the four christmas cards that I had to write. It sucked.. Maybe once my sister comes home, I'll suddenly have this moment of clarity, but if anyone has ever listened to me talk to my parents when I'm on the phone has seen what I have to experience. Today I realized I forgot to write to someone. It's so much easier when I don't receive anything.
I wish anime girl the best of luck in the world even if she can care less about me. How funny, I listen and cling to your every word. There is nothing artistic about this boy. In my own little way I love and admire you..Tomorrow Patrick wants me to come by his studio and look around. I hope the thrill isn't gone. Just when all has bored my jaded ears, maybe something new and fresh wil condition them. Who knows. 2004 is nothing like my favorite year 1994, but you have been good to me in other ways, so thankyou for that. And to all my friends wherever you are. peace.

Current Mood: weird

brill-y-ant!!
"Ten, nine, eight and I'm breaking away, I'm all dressed up, and I'm ready to play, seven, six, five, four and I'm all over you, come three, two one, and I'm having fun."

Current Mood: chipper
Current Music: hmmm......;p ?

now that you have what you want you can ignore me
Too much coke that night. How many places can you sit there and drink coke until the night is over.
Saturday was quite memorable and we rarely ever have the chance to feel like being a part of one huge group. After it was all over I had the opportunity to keep my promise and give my friend her present turned early christmas present. Dont worry I never get presents so I don't care; it's the all important giving that matters. And I met Tina for the first time and after the event was over I was still in awe, which may have caused people to think that was being rude but I was still taking it all in. Patrons were being like like nazis in the wake of recent events, but that doesn't help any because of the fact that we spend so much money just to be able to attend the bashes they throw there. Some people just can't bury the hatchet being so close to the holidays. Sure I hate it just as much as some people and my chrismas tree lights make me want to seizure but c'mon. It's refreshing to know that karma helps in situations where a person might have reservations about how some things might turn out. Waiting there for about six hours hearing the drama from who was there before who and after all is said and done it doesn't really matter. I was content at how things turned out. Then we drove somewhere else to continue the evening with the beautiful people meandering about as I drank coke the rest of the night, eating cherries, and listening to more music blasting in my ear at every corner of the establishment. Just blending in...except something was missing or should I say somebody. Once we decided to leave, my legs were cramping and I was hoping my car wasn't gone because all the locks froze and I had to leave the doors open. You see.. Good karma. It's a shame I haven't gone christmas shopping for real yet. The only christmas card I received was from my sisiter who will be moving back to chicago in two months. It's cool but still kind of pathetic..Tomorrow I get beaten to a pulp..

Current Mood: nostalgic
Current Music: statues without eyes--

Where have you been all my life mischievous anime girl. I miss you so
Yes. That was my lament to a human being that has a shred of an idea that I may exist in this vast ball of dust called earth. Someone I consider a friend but who doesn't feel the same. I'm sick of sending christmas cards every year to you anyway. I wonder if she ever reads this. The list of fantasies is constantly growing..There hasn't been much art in my life lately and I don't feel the need to pencil things anymore. Brian gave me a drawing to add to my gallery, which is only the top shelf of my locker at work that has gotten more and more cluttered with miscellaneous shreds of paper over the past three years. Maybe I'll feel the compulsive need to draw and play guitar or create in general again, when I don't have to think about death and all that depressing stuff. I miss how Bri would always try to correct my twisted perception because I can never get depth right in my drawings. I've never objected to him penciling over anything I've ever done, some people get offended by that kind of thing.
On monday I cancelled my doctors appointment because if I didn't my insurance would still get charged for services unrendered. That's the kind of thing we have to deal with and next year I actually have to chip in for my health care. Union dues are going up and we haven't received a raise in who knows when. Believe me , I had a bigger beef on monday, but I've cooled off since then. About why they make us wait, or call us early when we're late, whether they actually help us, or look like they want to help us or if being a doctor was just a way to get more ass etc . Blah blah.
Tomorrow I have an appointment with my chiropractor. Then I'm off of work for nine days. Patrick hasn't called me since two months ago. Maybe he forgot about how great it felt to create something that had one iota of pretention and reckless innocence. Who knows, who cares. I don't at this point. You're going to tell me that you have a studio not so far from my house yet you are never home or bother to return my calls. I love you to death brother, I can say more but I wont....
I'm just so sick of people saying they were trying to get a hold of me when I get a hold of them. Okay I lied. Tomorrow I have to talk to my boss personally, to bypass all those little people above me instead of the chain of command. Am I doing wrong? am I being the rat? Nine days and this wont matter. Safety is my concern.
New years eve is gonna suck because I'm going to be stuck with the same old people. Well at least i'm expecting mail and I paid all of my bills. Yipee!! This weekend is going to rock.. some definite major rockage going on. Hope the neck can handle it..

Current Mood: pensive

I'm getting to the bottom of this once and for all
To add to my fundage woes, tomorrow I miss about three hours of work to go see a doctor to figure out why my head has been hurting nonstop for the past week and a half. I've been popping aleve like candy, which helps so much. Maybe it's the migrating asian bird flu, SARS, or some bizarre mutated form of the epstein barr virus. Please God, don't let me be sick for more than a month. That would truly suck very much indeed.
Anyway I have made one too many mistakes when it comes to doing business with people from other countries that use other kinds of currency. I am screwing myself yet again by purchasing another electric mistress. Definitely a masochist.

Current Mood: confused
Current Music: Must open the tori collection back up

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